I was at the mall at lunch today because someone I know refuses to wear pants on account of waistbands being tight across her pre-school paunch. ... Or she just wants more footless tights. ... Or she's suddenly grown addicted to stripes and polka-dots. ... Or she realizes that if I put footless tights on her in the morning, she has a better chance of needling me into letting her wear a ballerina skirt to day care. Whatever. I believe the expression is coming home to roost. As my granny would have said, "that'll learn ya for dollin' her up as a baby."
The spring tights were on end-of-season sale and if ten bucks can help me avoid tight-waistband, bland-pant meltdowns every friggin' morning, then here's my Sir John A. Can I just pause a moment to thank all of you who warned me that 3 was harder than 2? Thank you. You were sooooo right. 2 was a breeze. 3 is a whiny, not-listening, power-struggle nightmare, except, of course, when she's being cuter and more imaginative and more agreeable than she's ever been. Give and take. Light and dark. Blah and blah. None of this has anything to do with this post.
At the mall there is one of those gawd-awful T-shirt kiosks that will customize any shirt for you on the spot. For some strange reason, this particular kiosk is always trying to hawk its wares by displaying demo maternity Tees. That's what comes from living in a place that sells NO maternity clothes in any stores anywhere. You think I exaggerate? OK, a little. I've been told there's one rack of mat clothes at Wal-Mart in the very back corner of the store. I've never seen them myself.
Getting back to the kiosk Tees. They are sooooo cute, sooooo precious, and sometimes soooo offensive. They make me want to barf.
Baby on Board!
Love bump
Am I Showing Yet?
Future Mommy
Don't tell my husband...
Does this shirt make me look pregnant?
Pregnant. Not fat.
The baby made me eat it.
Gag. It's high time that Mommee-Tees broadcast all those thoughts that real pregnant women want to scream out loud. And so,
Presenting Really Mad Preggo Tees:
Whadd'ya think? I know, I know, we could do one better by zapping all slogan tees everywhere off the planet for all time. And just in case you're wondering:
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Materni-tee
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42 hats in the ring:
I need one of those last ones - just last week I got another delighted, "Oh are you expecting?" followed by embarrassed eye-contact avoidance.
And "Ceci n'est pas une bebe" - hee hee!
*laugh* Oh my! I used to love browsing through all the funny phrases that could be printed on the Maternity Tees....but NONE of them could match your creation!
I LOVE THE LAST ONE!!!
Awesome! Now all you need to do is set up a cafepress store and you're set.
I remember seeing a baby onesie in Vancouver that read I'M PROOF MY MOM PUTS OUT.
Lurvely. Strange but true.
I love your t-shirt ideas. You're going to be rich.
Those are great! You should definitely get copyright on those slogans before someone else makes a fortune off your wit!
Well, other than a minor grammatical error in french .. (un bébé, of course a generic human being is gendered male in french ...)
HA HA HA HA! Fuck, that's too too funny, Mad. Move-me-to-swearing funny. Ha!
Mad, woman...you've got skillz.
I'm personally a fan of the second-to-last. I wanted to make myself a t-shirt when I was pregnant with Mme L that said, "Just call me 'The Vessel'", and wear it to whenever we visited Joe's kin. But then, I was worried that they might take me seriously.
Or how about, "It's none of you f*@king business what I'm eating/drinking/lifting."
ha ha ha. i love them.
when my best frind from college was pregnant I made her a t-shirt that said "I carried a watermelon" and then a onesie that said "Nobody puts baby in the corner"
My fave is: It'll end in tears.
How about: Pat my belly and DIE!
Yours are absolutely priceless and I doubt I can top them. But...
How about "Yes, it was on purpose"
or "As a matter of fact, we do know what causes that."
i wish I would have had the iconography one and "Keep your filthy hands off!"
Why the HELL do people feel like they can grope a belly when it is plump and lumbering over a waste band? I have not ever had the inclination to do this to a middle aged, pot bellied, beer fanatic.
LOOK. DON'T TOUCH.
this post is exactly, exactly why i love you.
you are wickedly clever, sweet Mad.
Fish/bicycle. Iconography. *snort*
'Sawesome.
And yes, three really is a nightmare when it's not extra cool. And we just hit an actual "tights sale" by glorious happenstance at a local store, right after the knee ripped in her fave rainbow striped ones. yay! $5 tights! But not footless. She's just so thrilled it's warming so she can wear dresses. Because oh yeah - three is also the age of genderifying. Sorry.
These are almost enough to make me wish I were still pregnant! Almost. But I agree, you should go ahead and set up a store-- I bet they'd fly off the virtual shelves!
Awesome. My favourite is the labour/economy one. Sign me up for a tee. You rock.
That "I smell wine" one is my favorite!!!
(And I think age 4 is proving to be WAY more difficult than two and three put together.)
Oh, I wish you'd have invented these, like, two weeks ago... I'd have so bought one of everything.
Remember us little people when you're sitting fat and sassy on a big pile of money.
Can you come up with something snappy to indicate that no, I don't know "what it is" other than that it's a baby? Because for some reason I find that question really annoying. Thanks.
I had a really hilarious t-shirt during one of my pregnancies that said "phoenix begets phoenix; dragon begets dragon."
Which is how you can tell I'm a dork.
These are so clever and a might bit more interesting than the others they are selling.
How about:
It is NOT decaf
I used to get coffee questions all the time...um excuse me large person I didn't comment on the fact that you didn't order a "skinny"!
Even though I was drinking decaf anyway because the caffeine made me sick.
I need that last t-shirt. Julia's teacher asked me the other day if I was pregnant. She said it was because I was standing with my hand over my belly (I was hungry and it was rumbling like crazy so I put my hand over it instinctively, as though my hand would silence the growling), but I know it's because of my pooch.
Love the fish and bicycles one. Too funny.
*snicker*
I heart you, Mad. Truly.
Oh Mad, love em...
and now I'm sad and feeling all moody with memories...
I *very nearly* made myself a t- shirt during one pregnancy that said
THIS IS WHAT HOMELESS LOOKS LIKE
64% of women who are abused during pregnancy report that the abuse started with the pregnancy
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL WOMEN'S SHELTER
But I didn't like the idea of my other kids walking around with a billboard proclaiming what they were going through too.
OMS I am literally laughing out loud.
It'll end in tears.
Nine months until they call it labour, some economy.
Folic acid tongue.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA
Too fab.
You rock.
And OH OH OH I had a similar shopping trip for dresses and tights (with Kyla) because I was SO EFFING SICK OF IT.
Please tell me I wasn't one who warned you about 3. I swore I wouldn't do that to people when it happened to me. Not directly anyway. I'm sure I'm a walking billboard for the message, though.
Mud Mama: we need to get your T-shirt made. I wonder if we could get the msg down to a shorter slogan or maybe put part of the msg on the back of the T or some such thing.
Being a "plus size gal", I wanted one that said "I'm pregnant, not just a fatty"
But hell, I would have settled for any maternity clothing to begin with. fat and pregnant=skirts. ALL WINTER LONG.
What about a t-shirt that says
THIS IS WHAT A BATTERED WOMAN LOOKS LIKE
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL WOMEN'S SHELTER
on the front and then the back has all sorts of statistics
socio-economic, race, relating to pregnancy, etc. Blow the stereotypes out of the water
It would take real guts to wear it but I would!
Today is a strange sort of scary/strong/missed up anniversary for me (my son reads my blog so I won't post about it there.)
March 16th was the 4th anniversary of my leaving and going to the shelter, but April 18th is the anniversary date of knowing I wouldn't go back again - third time's the charm apparently!
And yeah, I DO need a tshirt!
You need way more than a T-shirt, honey-pie. Please come join us in May-even if you can only make it for an afternoon.
In our strange little time warp, it seems that 3 means 18 months at times...KayTar has been deep into toddler mayhem as of late. Sigh.
I digress. The shirts are hilarious. Maybe you should print these up and offer your products to the kiosk. Heh.
I have a no elastic at the waist girl, too!
Love them - but they all have waists! And definitely need one that says
"Health Warning: placing your hands upon the contents will result in loud verbal attacks."
You are so clever.
And I dread the threes.
Love the T-shirts... I hate that t-shirt place too. I'm annoyed every time I walk past. No maternity shops... almost no craft shops. Um yeah... buh-bye little city.
3 is NUTHIN! Wait until 5. hahahahahahaha!
I liked best of all.....It'll end in Tears.
Love the shirts. Current fav - It'll end in tears. My son is 2 months shy of 3 so I am a little worried by comments of 3 worse than 2 and 4 or 5 worse than both. However, my sister tells me it is variations of the same stuff. Her 6 + 8 year olds still have tired meltdowns, attention grabbing behavior etc. She keeps reminding me that "motherhood is a marathon. If you take it as a sprint you will collapse while looking for the finish line because there is none." Thanks for the giggle. JoC
Ah. I love the last one best. Great idea. Have you ever though of opening a café press shop?
great, witty post, my dear.
and mud mama--you're amazing, lady. congrats on the anniversary.
honestly, you're brilliant. and now i'm scared of three, which we hit next month.
of course, my friend always said, 'terrible twos? whatever. just wait 'till the fucking fours.'
i think we're just all doomed.
Fly/bicycle! Frozen lasagne! ROFL--these are great. And so much better than the horrible one my misguided MIL thought I'd wear when pg with twins. I've managed to repress the memory...something about "womb-mates"...shudder.
And yes, I found the 3s harder than the 2s also.
we were travelling and somehow i missed these.
i think i am in love.
and yeh, they beat the ass of the "it started with a kiss" monstrosity that was the only piece of maternity wear i could find in this hole of a town during my first pregnancy, hidden near the back of Zellers amidst the lingerie. i cried. mostly in shame at having looked at it.
What was I saying about you and a new career? I think I must be prescient.
Mad Hatter: Designer to the Stars (or, uh, blogging stars, at least).
sweet jesus those are hilarious. "I smell wine!" snort.
LOL! You get a prize. Can I buy you a t-shirt?
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