When I was driving back from Blog'er on the weekend, my traveling companion started to feel a bit car sick and requested a brief pit-stop. As I pulled off the highway into Springhill, NS, I quickly blurted out "I'm sorry."
She politely replied, "don't say you're sorry. It's not your fault."
Now I think we were both talking about the car sickness and not our unfortunate detour into Ann Murray-ville but, either way, I knew that neither random life occurrence was my fault. If she had not replied the way she did, though, I may not have realized that in my apologizing for her queasiness, I was, in fact, channeling my mother.
All through my teenage years, my mother apologized for everything. Whether the car broke down, it rained on track and field day, or the Leafs got eliminated in the play-offs, my mother was sincerely apologetic. It drove us all nuts. "Stop saying that!" we'd petulantly yell at her. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault! Why do you keep apologizing for circumstances beyond your control?" Her inevitable reply? "I'm sorry."
After Mom died, I found myself consciously adopting so many of her quirky behaviours just to keep her memory near. I would and still do point at the TV news and scoff, "isn't that crazy?" whenever an off-the-beaten-track story was/is reported. I began keeping the important papers, birth certificates and the like, in a covered bowl in the china cabinet. Plane tickets, appointment notices and other short-term documents got slotted beside the plates in the kitchen cabinet. I have, ahem, invested far too much money in pillows, throw cushions, and holiday-themed guest towels.
I did not, however, willfully become life's apologist. That one must have crept up on me unawares. And yet, knowing what I know of life and my lack of control over so much of it, it all seems to fit. "I'm sorry" does not mean that I take agency for what has happened but rather that I feel remorseful that this situation has arisen. "I'm sorry you feel sick. I'm sorry you lost your job. I'm sorry about inflation and the price of gas. I'm sorry about the world's economy. I'm sorry about Kyoto targets. Yes, I am sorry for ALL of it but I feel responsible for NONE of it, at least not directly." In essence, "I'm sorry" is my get-out-of-jail-free card.
But does saying sorry really signal defeat? Is it indeed a concession that I lack agency in certain circumstances? Is it a cop-out, plain and simple? Maybe. Maybe "I'm sorry" means that I regret not being willing to put it all on the line to work for change. Maybe I'm acknowledging that, in the end, I fear I am a coward.
I dunno. These thoughts I've just blurted out certainly exceed what was demanded in response to Thor's brief spate of car sickness (uh, "sorry, Thor.") And yet, when Andrea posted about becoming a writer yesterday and talked about her mother's role in dousing her ambitions, I thought about the ways that I have consciously and unconsciously become an echo of my mother for better and for worse.
Then, my thoughts ran deeper. I thought about Miss M and this new day care transition that we are feeling the early pangs of. I thought of the monologue, half-in, half-out of my head: "I'm sorry that I work. That your father works. That your Nanny moved away. I'm sorry that we sat on day care waiting lists for 3 and a half years. I'm sorry that you're having trouble adjusting. I'm sorry that this is so hard for you, for us, when other families seem to breeze through such moments. I'm sorry that you cry. I'm sorry that you have worked Ella's paw thread-bare in your anxiety. I ... AM ... SORRY to the core of my being. I am sorry to the point where I feel my psyche may crack under the weight of my regret." And yet, I feel as if so much of my agency has been stripped from me in this situation that I am, indeed, not sorry at all. I'm just sad and wishing for better.
Day care aside, what I fully expect is that one day Miss M will hold me accountable for numerous hurts and omissions that I will feel I had no agency over, while the true regrets that I carry inside me will manifest themselves in annoying/endearing ticks that she will rail against loudly before shrugging them off on her way out the door.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Sorry
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35 hats in the ring:
beautiful post. sorry can mean much more than an apology, and you do a nice job of exploring that here. I found these definitions with a little google search:
pitying: feeling or expressing sorrow or pity; "a pitying observer threw his coat around her shoulder"
regretful: feeling or expressing regret or sorrow or a sense of loss over something done or undone; "felt regretful over his vanished youth"; "regretful over mistakes she had made"; "he felt bad about breaking the vase"
deplorable: bad; unfortunate; "my finances were in a deplorable state"; "a lamentable decision"; "her clothes were in sad shape"; "a sorry state of affairs"
blue: causing dejection; "a blue day"; "the dark days of the war"; "a week of rainy depressing weather"; "a disconsolate winter landscape"; "the first dismal dispiriting days of November"; "a dark gloomy day"; "grim rainy weather"
good-for-nothing: without merit; "a sorry horse"; "a sorry excuse"; "a lazy no-count, good-for-nothing goldbrick"; "the car was a no-good piece of junk"
I've fought with that (my stomach and everything else) and at some point I decided I'm tired of apologizing to everyone, myself included.
It still happens of course, and sometimes it's warranted. But I try to not make it my default submissive answer in place of fixing or coping.
But then, other days, it IS how I cope.
Who knows really. but thanks for your patience! (I have a post about all of you in detail, and no time to write it!!!)
I keep hearing comments come out of my mouth that I KNOW I got from my mother. Some are good, but some are...not so good. I also have an increasing need to have things done a certain way, in a certain timeline. I know where I got that from too. I'm trying to let go more. I really am.
While I think you're right that sometimes we say that just to acknowledge that we don't like a situation, that we are sorry it has to be that way, that maybe we would change it if we could, I also think it's something fundamentally Canadian, isn't it?
Mmmm, I would have noted the gender-coding of it, but I had never thought of it in national terms. KP, are you saying that we are a nation of apologists? Frankly, I can't think of a single man who does this but I can list off a whole whack of women who do.
I've thought about that one a lot too. I've come to believe that there's a big difference between teh "I'm sorry" that means "I apologize" and the "I'm sorry" that means "I feel sad when you feel sad." The second is, I think, just an expression of support. It's the same thing I would say to a friend if someone they love died--I'm sorry, so so sorry--but I am definitely not apologizing. I guess there are ways to be more specific but it seems to be the defualt that most people feel comfortable using.
But yes, it can creep over the line into apologetic territory.
I'm sorry (in the 2nd sense) that you all have to go through this again when I remember how hard it was for you the first time. I hope it's an easier transition this time around.
(and thanks for the link)
I am your mother. And Joe is you and your siblings.
But I can't, I cannot rid myself of this habit. I know I throw it out a lot without even thinking about it, but I also know that I often find that it is the most sincere and truthful thing that I can say. Unhelpful, maybe. But true.
And, yes, I too expect that I will be held accountable for too many of the things which I can say, "I'm sorry" about, but not those things about which I can say, "You're right, I was wrong and I apologise."
We posted at the same time--
the person I know who is worst at this is a guy. He's sorry about everything. Apologetically sorry. It's a bit maddening.
I'm sorry...oh, crap.
I used to do this all the time, until I realized it was just perpetuating my own guilty conscious
yeah, i'm raising my hand to join this crowd in reflexive sorrying.
hate to bring it into a more contentious realm, but this is something that women tend to do, andrea's friend notwithstanding.
along with uttering declarative statements in questioning intonations, as in...
"I'll have that ready for you on Friday?"
deborah tannen writes convincingly on this topic. her work is at the boundary between women's studies and linguistics. i find her stuff fascinating.
Of course we feel responsible for all that affects our child - that is universal motherhood, I'm sure.
However, I'm glad that I now know who to blame for The Leafs lacklustre performances in years past. Who's apologizing for them these days?
Slouchy: interestingly enough, in addition to being a female trait, uptalking is also a Canadian linguistic characteristic. Linguist Jack Chambers was the pioneering scholar on what he termed "Canadian raising." I only know this because his daughter is a dear friend of mine.
Canadian and female trait, I think. So how I got to be so bad at apologizing I don't know. I'm very quick with the "sad that you're sad" I'm sorries, though - so much so that when Bub is sick he always says "I'm sorry." (Not apologizing - just mirroring what's said to him whenever he's sick.)
Funny thing: I'm quick to say 'I'm sorry' for the things that are completely out of my control. Yet I'm miserly about saying it when I really need to. I can be a stubborn ass, for that I truly am sorry.
Sometimes I say things that are so inherently my mother that it freaks me out. Quirks that drove me crazy as a teen.
As for as being sorry. I think of sorry as a multiple meaning, word, yes? And you use it in many ways - yes. I would tell a friend sorry too, if they were sick. Just don't ever apologize for who you are, that's when it crosses a line.
By the way - THIS is a great post!
I had a dear friend in law school who played the "I'm sorry" bit - drove it right out of me (my husband would probably say I need to say it more often).
But on the deeper thoughts, how my mother impacts my mothering - I have those daily. And I keep my fingers crossed.
The uptalking is a US Southernism as well. So is the endless apology. I generally cringe whenever I think about the potential damage I am unwittingly inflicting on my children, because I know that my mother intended none of the damage that was inflicted on me (and about which she will never know, hopefully).
There is the apology form of sorry, but there is also the sympathetic form of sorry.
I think it is fine to voice the sentiment of "I'm sorry that you are going through all of this, Miss M, I recognize your pain and have sympathy for you and for Ella's paw" but it's not healthy for either of you if she is hearing "I'm sorry for all my perceived imperfections. Mommy sucks."
Whatever choices you make you've a 50-50 chance of screwing up your kid. You do the best you can and hope that you raise a child who has the strength of character to know that you made decisions with the best intentions.
And I'm on your wavelength today: I posted about Sorry, too. Not the game. The word. And the feeling. Also about cannibalism. Oh. It's all so thrilling to be me.
I'm sorry. Those are two words that I've never heard my mother say. In fact, I'm not sure that she's capable of saying them.
Just jumping in to nod and say yes, yes, this is me too. I am trying to not say it so much, but really it my nature.
As for turning into my mother, I am afraid it has even gone further, my girls say things my Mom says which is strange indeed. I know you miss your Mom as I desperately miss my Dad, so maybe these quirks will bring to life your Mom's spirit for Miss M. I like to think the universe would give us that much.
I got this great image of Miss M railing and shrugging as a young teen.
anyhow.
I apologize far too much and it makes me bitter and angry. And my girls have picked up on it. It makes me feel.....hmmm....like they feel they have to apologize for just being them, and that is such a...female trait.
I always tell them that they have nothing to apologize for.
Now. If we can just turn briefly here to your filing methods for important papers. WTF woman. Do I have to come out there to teach you how to open a filing cabinet and put them in where they are SUPPOSED to go! argh. Just the thought alone of all those documents willy nilly makes me crazy.
Ahem. sorry scuse me no sorry it was my fault. ahem
CM: The filing cabinet is overstuffed, small and in the smelly basement. There is no way I am keeping anything important in there. Except the wills. If MadDad and I die suddenly, please tell my family that the wills are in the very front of the downstairs filing cabinet. I say this b/c one of the worst moments of my life occurred the day after my Mom's death when my siblings and I had to ransack her house in search of her will. The experience was overwhelmingly painful. Thank heavens, we are siblings who get along marvelously and would never have quibbled over estate issues. Still it was tough and felt disrespectful and we were all so raw with grief.
I had to rifle and probe thru all of my mothers stuff just to make sense of the simple. I am sure it is what has made me the control freak I am.
And sweetness, I'm sorry if i gave rise to such sadness. rest assured however that when you go to probate I will be riding the governments sorry asses for everything your family is owed all while telling them that my papers would have been neater.
That last paragraph is brutally honest and quite true of all of us.
you and Andrea and Alpha Dogma have me thinking about my own family and all the things we implicitly pick up...in my case, plenty of empathic "i'm sorrys" and some of the power-related ones, where i'll say i'm sorry because i fear having offended someone i'd prefer to ingratiate...but only in my thirties have i learned what a real apology is.
and you're so right...the things we will end up feeling regret for around our kids are probably not the things they'll hold us accountable for, want apology for. such is the funny way of families, all of us different and stuck together.
Well, my mother has never said, "I'm sorry." unless maybe it was in the context of, "I'm sorry, but you are wrong." So I didn't pick the habit up from her, but I do seem to have it, too.
When I say it, though, I say it with the intent of commiseration rather than apology.
My mother recentishly apologized for getting lung cancer and "becoming a burden".
The worst is when you apologize to someone who just doesn't want to hear it. Like my husband...
I also relexively say "I'm sorry" when someone is hurt, angry or frustrated. For me it is an expression of regret or sympathy, but I use it often enough that when I do have to apologise to someone I always say "I am sorry I ___."
When I realise how often both my husband and I utter the words to a complete stranger who has just bumped into us or stepped on our toes, I am inclined to think such reflexive apologising is fundamentally Canadian.
Please don't be so hard on yourself.
Things have changed since your mom died. Were she here today your communication would be so different now that you are a mother. Your relationship with your daughter is open and loving and will grow and grow along with her.
You will teach her that it is okay to feel sad at times which is different from being sorry.
My mom was never sorry about a damn thing. And it's been hard for me to learn to be sorry, to say sorry, in situations where I am actually culpable. But, then, like Janet, I say sorry all the time for things that are not my fault, but usually only to Pynchon--I want him to be happy, and he frustrates easily and I guess I hope my goodwill can head him off at Grumpy Pass.
Something to think about, for sure? (Q mark for 'canadian raising', of course ..)
I guess we learn from our mothers' mistakes and make our own, that our children will learn from.
All your apologies make my heart sink. We could apologize till we're blue in the face. But, it doesn't do anything, does it. Just remind yourself that you're doing the best you can. I tell myself that several times a day!
Motherhood can bring out the wrongheadedness of so many things.
I have told my children these wacky apologies before. I am sorry you are crying, is a biggie.
As in, I guess, I'm sorry I can't be more everything than the everything I have been givin' you 24/7 since I ever got my hands on you.
Weird.
what flutter said.
and what niobe said.
1) i over apologize for everything in my damn life and i wish i could get past that.
but i think saying sorry is a good thing, just at the right times--in sympathy and in regret.
2) my mom never says sorry. ever. maybe by over apologizing i am making up for her under apologizing?
It is in the last 10 years that I have come to understand what it means to be sorry, not impulsively guilty or responsible for all of the shit around me.
In deferance to my enlightenment, I teach my kids (and remind myself), that sometimes we are wrong. It sucks. It happens. We learn. We own it. We keep moving.
Acknowledging when I've been wrong, apologizing for it, and being able to move on from it, has been incredibly eye opening for me.
This is not to say that my daughters will spend less time on a therapist's couch in their thirties, or despise me less in their teens. Despising your mother, I am truly afraid, is a rite of passage for daughters.
I too am a serial sorry sayer.
My partner and I disagree over the meaning of the word - he doesn't believe it should be said unless you had direct impact over what is being apologised for, I use it for empathetic emphasis.
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