Sunday, March 30, 2008

Stuff (White) Mommy Bloggers Like

Have you seen this blog? Stuff White People Like. Apparently it's the new big thing on the internet; the authors have a book deal and everything and they haven't even been blogging for three full months. I poked around it a bit this weekend. When it is good, it is very, very good; when it is bad, it is ... standard-issue, puerile, male internet offensive. And then there are the commenters! Yowza!!! It all makes for a fun blog, though I'm not sure why anyone would want to buy the book--unless it's to put it in the bathroom so that shitting guests will think, "hey, my host is cool, self-reflexive and internet-savvy!"

Now, I may not be a queen of satire but I'm always game for a little self-mockery and, even though I'm afraid this post will go over like a lead fart, I can't resist giving you a list of Stuff (White) Mommy Bloggers Like.

1. Using parenting experts as straw men in order to uphold the virtues of good, old-fashioned common sense: Any self-respecting (White) Mommy Blogger ((W)MB) has written at least one post lambasting a parenting guru. Favourite targets are Dr. Sears, Jack Newman, or any sucker who has ever tried addressing sleep issues in infants. (W)MBs particularly like beating the snot out of male parenting gurus. The same can be said for syndicated parenting columnists, particularly if they too are men. When a (W)MB reads a post of this nature by another (W)MB she usually comments by saying, "You are such a good mother. Only you know what's best for your child." Optionally, she may add a "sistah" to the end of her comment.

2. Contemporary idiom: The (W)MB desires to be young and hip but does not wish to sacrifice a second goal: sounding wise beyond her years. To achieve this, she will often cite noted theorists or canonical authors while simultaneously tossing off words such as dude and asshat. The (W)MB loves linking to The Urban Dictionary. Not only does it make her look dope to her peeps but it draws attention away from the fact that all other links from her blog are to wikipedia and/or posts from her own archive.

3. Letting her heart bleed for all to see: The (W)MB likes to wring her hands at the world's ills. Unfortunately, this makes her fear that doing so smacks of slacktivism. To create a smoke-screen, she will resort to discussing the erosion of journalistic integrity or the socialist politics of Howard Zinn. Sometimes she even links to Wikipedia in an effort to bamboozle.

4. Righteous rage: The (W)MB is a finger-wagger like no other. The focus of her righteous rage is almost always a target external to the (W)MB community because the (W)MB knows that courtesy reigns in the (W)MBlogosphere, dammit. The only exception to this rule is the issue of commercialization of the (W)MBlogosphere. On this issue the righteous rage has been known to fly from all sides. Fortunately for all (W)MBs, most (W)MBs now turn away from any discussions on this issue because it has repeated itself around the (W)MBlogosphere like a radish burp with none of its soothing, warm, healthy aftertaste.

5. Inclusiveness: The (W)MB LOVES inclusiveness, particularly if she is the only one talking about it.

6. Shoes: What (W)MB doesn't like a great pair of shoes? Or boots? Or funky Wellingtons? (W)MBs partucularly like to ask the advice of other (W)MBs before buying shoes. Only seldomly does the (W)MB seek advice on other articles of clothing. This is because it may serve to remind her readership that she has a body and is actually a flesh-and-blood woman, not just the weightless synapses behind a series of insightful and sardonically humourous posts.

7. Breastfeeding controversy: The (W)MB simply loves a good breastfeeding controversy. Sit Bill Maher down in an Applebees or, better yet, have him fly American Airlines and the (W)MB gets all a-tingle. What better way to satisfy righteous rage (see above) than to proclaim oneself a lactivist! Besides, a good tirade against an anti-breast crusader can help a (W)MB forget just how miserable her own experience of lactation truly was.

8. Bratz-bashing: Bratz-bashing is not a universal (W)MB trait. It is the sole domain of the (W)MB with a girl-child. (W)MBs with boy children alternate between wishing they had a girl child and thanking their lucky stars they need not engage in Bratz-bashing. Occasional Barbie and Polly Pocket bashings have been witnessed in the (W)MBlogoshpere but such tirades have paled in comparison to the vitriol needed for a good Bratz-bash.

9. Daddy-bloggers: (W)MBs LOVE daddy-bloggers ... because tokenism feels oh so good when it's turned on its head.

10. Books: (W)MBs are a well-read bunch. They review books. They talk about books. Occasionally, they put pictures of books on their side-bars. They do this in an effort to create an aura of wisdom for their blogs. The (W)MB's ultimate end, though, is to distract other (W)MBs from noticing that the (W)MB must, in fact, be spending her every waking moment writing posts and/or reading other (W)MBlogs instead of books. Ditto for TV, movies and other forms of popular culture.

OK, I open the floor to comments. What did I miss? On the off-chance you don't find the humour in this, please keep in mind that each of these points can be directed squarely at me.

_______________
Re: #3 above. The Just Post round table is just around the corner. Please send your links to me at madhattermommyAThotmailDOTcom if you read or wrote a post or posts about social justice in the month of March. You've got until next Monday night to get them in. Confused? Click on one of the purple birds on the sidebar.

50 comments:

slouching mom said...

Hahahahahahah! This rocks, uh, sistah.

slouching mom said...

In particular, number ten. Guilty as charged!

TEOM? said...

Raising my hand here as a a W(MBofB) - white mommyblogger of boys - whose feelings about bratz-bashing are perfectly described in #8

nomotherearth said...

Nail on the head, my friend, ha ha!

And...you are SUCH a good mother for writing this.

liv said...

hey, sista. i'm afraid to look like an asshat, but i think you missed how much WMBs love to talk about what slackers they are as parents. "LOL! Brenna and Superbaby ate pop-tarts in front of TV this morning. I'm so bad!"

liv said...

oh!!!! and, "hee hee! it's SO hard to get out of bed to a baby with a dirty diaper after having a 4 martini night just 5 hours prior! the bottle of gray goose is just begging to be put in the recycling bin. lawsa! i'm terrible!"

jen said...

good lord, woman. you nailed it. freaking hilarious.

Joker The Lurcher said...

yup! you got it!

Beck said...

hahahaahaaa.
Awesome. After you emailed me, I sat around thinking of additions to your list but YOURS ARE BETTER.

kristen said...

I feel so common, especialy with my way of linking. This was brilliant.

Yes, the book would make a great crapper read, right next to my favorite, More Things I Put on my Cat. If I was a savvy (W)MB, I'd link to the book.

Omaha Mama said...

It would make me sad if someone missed the humor in this. I'd like to think we can all laugh a little about this...
Thanks for the Monday morning humor!

Jenny from Chicago said...

Umm...this WOULD be funny if it didn't strike sooooo close to home.

Mad said...

Liv, you crack me up...or you would if I weren't so damned hung-over!

Hannah said...

So so so funny. I mean, really - this is freakin' hilarious. I was laughing out loud by number three.

I couldn't come up with anything better. I did try. But since in my last post I talked about breastfeeding, linked to Bill Maher, and swore, I don't think I have a leg to stand on.

Bea said...

Zing, ouch. ;)

DaniGirl said...

Ha! As a friend of mine likes to say, "Hey, I resemble that comment!"

What about the apologist, who goes off on hormonal, hysterical rants and then follows up with the sheepish "friends don't let friends rant and blog" apology the next day?

And the scatologist, who posts persnickety posts about grammar and language use?

Christine said...

10. not so well read here. hence the reason i am TERRIFIED to do that book shelf meme thing.

dude.

Mad said...

Dani:
The apologist = Mad Hatter. Busted. I couldn't even get through this post without foregrounding my own sheepishness, alas. I can also trace my menstrual cycle for the last two years by going back through my archive and noting the PMS posts.

Kyla said...

You are hilariously clever.

And me? I totally got pegged on #75 over on the Stuff White People Like blog, too. LOL.

Mimi said...

Jesus H Christ, Mad, stop making me snort my coffee. I'm guilty on ALL fronts, yes.

But the academic in me thanks you for taking this opportunity to prove the momosphere ironic self-reflexivity. (See, I'm not slacking, I'm researching.)

I prefer 'Dude' to sistah.

You would be surprised, actually, that in the popular press accounts from 2004-06, you would think the momosphere was equally composed of moms and dads. Which, um, just ain't true. Ah, balanced journalism.

But. In conclusion: fucking funny, sistah :-)

Magpie said...

Dude.

Kind of guilty here too.

Her Bad Mother said...

This? IS GENIUS. Truly. LOVE IT.

Janet said...

Hey Mad? Word.

Janet said...

This is brilliant. I was about to start frantically looking through all my posts to see how guilty I was until I saw your mea culpa. {whew} I haven't done the Bratz rant yet, but only because the Queen hasn't discovered them. Or Barbie. Or Polly Pocket. Or Little Pets or whatever they are. There are benefits to not having TV piped into the house.

kittenpie said...

And of course the cute anecdotes and pictures. C'mon, we're MOMMIES, after all.

But at risk of exposing myself as one of these, can I jsut say those are the most awesomest of wellies?

Bon said...

i want those boots.

and your sarcastic rapier wit, dude.

painted maypole said...

hysterical, and right on. you sure are one well read, witty, activist mother, sister!

Christine said...

oh--i've got a just post from kevin i'll forward later on.
c--

theflyingmum said...

Damn! There goes my post about asking for athletic shoe advice!
:)

NotSoSage said...

Sigh...sadly, all my witty comments have been taken by the previous commenters.

I guess I'd better go put up more photos of books on my sidebar.

Karen said...

The is perfect!

mo-wo said...

"like a radish burp with none of its soothing, warm, healthy aftertaste."

How do you do it?????

I believe I used the 'your own judgement' thing just about 24 hours ago. Peshaw.

Angeline said...

Can't stop laughing. This is great.

cinnamon gurl said...

Haha, I'll echo Dani: I resemble that comment!

niobe said...

Sad, but true. Or, perhaps, true, but sad.

And don't forget the obligatory posts about (1) how (sniff) little Gertrude/Murgatroyd is growing up far too fast; (2) how Mommyblogger's very difficult family (her mother made her watch black-and-white tv! her father never gave her pancakes for breakfast!) taught her to parent her own offspring so much better than her evil (or, if Mommyblogger is in a generous mood, well-meaning, but misguided) parents; and (3) how Mommyblogger was a shy/bullied/misunderstood child who spent all her time reading and the Very Important Lessons she learned from this.

Am I being too snarky (one of those words beloved by Mommybloggers)? Perhaps.

Victoria said...

*snort*

Oh, wait? Those apply to me? Eeek.

metro mama said...

I love this.

Reluctant Housewife said...

Hmmmm... you've given mommy blogging a lot of thought. Hilarious!

Oh, and Mad... I clicked on the purple bird and I'm still confused.

crazymumma said...

When I read 'purple birds', I thought Flock of Seagulls, and now I feel like dancing with you.

Totally random I know. but I feel like I can.

be random that is.

with you.

sigh.

liz said...

I have a son, no daughters, and I Bratz bash with the best of 'em.

"MM, tell the nice mommies why you're not allowed to have any Bratz toys."

"Because they wear too much makeup and not enough clothes."

Reluctant Housewife said...

(White) mommy bloggers love... Your blog! At least this one does. I'm awarding you an Excellent Blog Award. You can get the details at my blog.

Lisa b said...

you are an awesome mommyblogger sistah!
This is great.

Mud Mama said...

I literally laughed until I cried. I'm linking to this...omg go to my blog for pictures of rubber boots! LOL!

Alpha DogMa said...

Well, let's take a stroll through my archives:
1. Guilty. But I prefer a good natured "bitch" or "sweetie" to the more mainstream sistah.
2. Ah. Yes, unnecessary use of "you're the dawg now." Guilty as charged.
3. Does defending the seal hunt whilst mocking Macca count? Yes, then guilty as charged.
4. ibid. Guilty!! But oooh, I missed the commercialization debate. Please send me links.
5. Yes, I've given and received blogging group hugs. OFTEN. But it feels so good to feel the love and the GUILT!
6. Put I've got REAL issues with my feet. MEDICAL issues. Guilty, but with medical dispensation.
7. Oh, I've done this. On your blog in the comment sections, I believe. Guilty!
8. And I've done THIS on Beck's blog in comments. I think it is worse that I've done it as guests at OTHER blogs. Guilty to the power of two!
9. Yes, I'm a Denguy groupie. So what? Guilty to the power of three!
10. Ah. Yes my attempt at a book club. It lasted...what three titles? And I still think Marley & Me is a horrible, horrible book.

Great post Mad. You've out done yourself! AGAIN! Bitch.

cynematic said...

Dang is that spot-on! I am laughing and secretly deleting all mentions of 'asshat' from my blog now...I'm not W, but still a MoBlo.

(Here via Loaded Dice.)

cynematic said...

Dang is that spot-on! I am laughing and secretly deleting all mentions of 'asshat' from my blog now...I'm not W, but still a MoBlo.

(Here via Loaded Dice.)

Gunfighter said...

Well done!

From a (nonwhite) Daddyblogger.

Amy@UWM said...

You mean I'm not the only one worried about the world's social ills? Crap. Thought I was special. I'm thoroughly impressed that you managed to use "dope" and "peeps" in the same sentence and yet completely mortified to admit I used the word "dude" to refer to my husband in my very last post. I will take issue with the Bratz bashing, though. I'm a (W)MB with two girl-childs, but I've never Bratz- or Barbie-bashed. My peeps just need to get over themselves about that.

Susanne said...

Great! And, of course, cuuute boots!!!


And ouch, you found me out.

Anonymous said...

Wow you must be a joy to live with. How many times h ave you been divorced?