Tap, tap. Is this thing on?

Uh, hi. Remember me?

Well, it looks as if I'm not coming back here for a long, long while...or maybe ever. Who knows? I just haven't felt like writing on a personal blog at all lately. This ennui has been building for a long while. There's also the reality that my anonymity, which I guarded so closely for so long, has been shot, and while that was inevitable and is cool I don't really know what my non-anonymous voice sounds like.

What I can tell you is this: I have started a new children's book blog if'n you are interested. I'd love to see you there.

As for this mad space, I will leave it up even though I've taken down most of the 500 posts from the archive. You never know, someday I might need to return here and will know what it feels like once again to call it home.

Pride and Twitterverse

TheRealJaneAusten:
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of good fortune must be in want of a wife.

MrsB:
A Mr Bingley--worth 50,000 followers a year--has joined Twitter! He's brought a friend, Mr Darcy--worth 100,000 followers a year! Pls RT

MrsB:
@JaneB @LizzyB @MaryBsaphorisms @KittyB @LydiaB I will have one of you girls married into internet fame yet. Just you wait.

LizzyB:
@MrsB But mother, I think we can pull ourselves up by our dooce-straps just fine.

MrsB:
Blogcasting: How to find husbands for your daughters: http://tinyurl/momblog Now with free giveaway from our Etsy embroidery shop. Pls RT

LizzieB:
@JaneB If I could love a man who would love me enough to take me for a mere 50 followers, I should be well pleased...

LizzieB:
@JaneB ...but such a man wouldn’t be sensible & I could never love a man who was out of his twits. LOL

JaneB:
Oh @LizzyB, it is my ardent wish to marry 4 love. Love, respect AND dual laptops would be most agreeable. #iamdullbutpretty

CubicleSurfer:
Does anyone know what #Bingley is and why it’s suddenly the no. 1 trending topic?

BoredInTheBurbs:
@CubicleSurfer I think #Bingley’s a he and I’m pretty sure he just died.

POPlovesPOP:
@CubicleSurfer @BoredInTheBurbs No, I’m pretty sure #Bingley’s the new Idol. That doesn’t explain why he’s the no. 1 trending topic, tho.

MaryBsAphorisims:
It behooves us all to resist the temptation of #Idol chatter

MaryBsAphorisims:
I can’t believe I lost 5 followers with that last Tweet. What’s WRONG with you people?

LydiaB:
@JaneB @LizzyB @MaryBsaphorisms @KittyB There's going to be a dance!!! Squeeee!!! I won't sit down all night.

JaneB:
@LizzyB @MaryBsaphorisms @KittyB @LydiaB Do any of you know what you're wearing to the dance? I was thinking virginal white.

LydiaB:
@JaneB @LizzyB @MaryBsaphorisms @KittyB What I wouldn't give for this: http://tiny.cc/S6s7h & a pair of Jimmy Choos. It’s positively #Bella.

KittyB:
@LydiaB No fair! You stole that URL from MY del.icio.us. #sisterfail

LydiaB:
@KittyB del.icio.us? Are you kidding me? How positively 2007. #epicsisterfail

MaryBsAphorisms:
@JaneB @LizzyB @KittyB @LydiaB I confess a dance has few charms for me—I should infinitely prefer a modest Christian blog.

[Email from Twitter to LydiaB: VampireShoeShop is now following you on Twitter. You may follow VampireShoeShop by clicking the Follow button on their profile.]

Bingley:
@Darcy I can hardly wait to dance with @JaneB. She is the most capital girl I have ever met. #loveat1stsight

Darcy:
@Bingley Any savage can dance. #proofofmysuperiority

Bingley:
@Darcy JaneB's sister, Lizzy is pretty. You could dance with her. It would be capital fun.

Darcy:
@Bingley She's tolerable, but she is not handsome enough to tempt me. Also: could you stop saying "capital" so much? #abovemypeers

LizzyB:
@CharlotteL RT @D*rcy "She is tolerable. But she is not handsome enough to tempt me." #twitteratiRtwats #takeyrtweetsprivatefool

LizzyB:
@JaneB @MrsB I may safely promise you never to dance with Mr. D*rcy.

MaryBsAphorisms:
I loves me a stately piano concerto. ♫ http://blip.fm/~6kg1t from Blip.fm

LydiaB:
Oh, @MaryBsAphorisms, you silly goose. No one wants to hear that stodgy old song. We long to dance. Blip us Grimstock.

MaryBsaphorisms:
If I must but I take no joy in it: ♫ http://blip.fm/~6khd6 from Blip.fm

JaneB:
@Bingley Demure grin

Bingley:
@JaneB Capital! Capital indeed!

MrsB:
My @JaneB was much admired at the dance. #Bingley danced with her twice. Post to follow. Pls RT.

Darcy:
Women? There are not ½ dozen who I would consider accomplished. #fb

LizzyB:
@Darcy Like duh. I’m surprised YOU know 6. #urstillavirgin

Darcy:
@LizzyB FYI, it has been the study of my life to avoid those weaknesses which often expose a strong understanding to ridicule.

LizzyB:
@Darcy Like, oh I dunno, pride perhaps? Vanity? Self-righteous tweeting?

Darcy:
@LizzyB Pride—where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.

LizzyB:
@Darcy Which one of your last 3 tweets would you like me to nominate for http://tweetingtoohard.com/ ? ‘Cause I think they’re all winners.

Darcy:
@LizzyB Clearly, there is in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil. Yes, I’m tweeting at you.

LizzyB:
@Darcy Yours is to hate everyone.

Darcy:
@LizzyB Where yours is to misunderstand them.

Darcy:
@Darcy Oooo. Having a little twit snit are we, Mr Darcy?

MaryBsAphorisms:
Pride is a very common failing. By all that I have ever read, I am convinced that it is very common indeed.

MaryBsAphorisms:
Ah but, vanity & pride are different things. Pride relates to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.

MaryBsAphorisms:
What’s with all the dead air out here 2night? Is twitter down again or something?

Mrs B:
Hubs is in his study AGAIN. He has no consideration for my nerves. It vexes me terribly.

LydiaB:
Support our troops! #followfriday @cnlfoster @mrsfoster @regiment @denny @sanderson @wickham Squeee!!!

LizzyB:
@LydiaB Stop twirting. You will get a reputation as the most determined twirt that twitter has ever seen.

Darcy:
I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow. #fb

Darcy:
[Find People on Twitter:
Who are you looking to find? LizzyB]

Darcy:
@biz Why must avatar pictures be so small? #twitterfail

CharlotteL:
@LizzyB Darcy keeps looking at your profile. What’s up with that?

LizzyB:
@CharlotteL I dunno but it’s freaking my shit out. Srsly.

[Email from Twitter to LizzyB: Wickham is now following you on Twitter. You may follow Wickham by clicking the Follow button on their profile.]

Wickham:
Oh woe is me!

Wickham:
How unlucky my lot in life has been!

Wickham:
I am so sick of my friends. If you can even call them that...

LizzyB:
@Wickham Ok, I’ll bite. What’s up?

Wickham:
@LizzyB If only I, honest son of an honest Linux programmer, had not been so grievously wronged by a certain proud, 2.0-savvy man.

LizzyB:
@Wickham RU talking about who I think UR talking about? Developed DRM for I-phone apps? Oprah & Ashton follow him? Follows only 5 tweeps?

Wickham:
@LizzyB The very same. He cheated me out of the open source living his father had promised me. Who could wrong one so noble as me? Oh noes!

LizzyB:
@Wickham Ugh. Further proof of why I hate the Twitterati. Except @theBloggess. She cracks my shit up AND she is a model of propriety.

Wickham:
@LizzyB You seem like a fair minded woman and I desperately need a twosse. Would you like to hear more of my grievances?

LizzyB:
@Wickham Bring ‘em on.

MaryBsAphorisms:
It behooves us all to take very careful thought before pronouncing an adverse judgment on any of our fellow men.

MaryBsAphorisms:
For once, your silence is golden. Thank you, tweeple.

MrCollins:
@MrsB @JaneB @LizzyB @MaryBsaphorisms @KittyB @LydiaB I have it on authority from Lady Oprah de Bourgh that marriage would behoove a man of m... (read more via Twitlonger)

MrsB:
@LizzyB @MaryBsaphorisms @KittyB @LydiaB One of u MUST marry yr cousin, MrCollins. The PC, both laptops & the wireless are entailed to him.

LizzyB, MaryBsaphorisms, KittyB, LydiaB:
@MrsB Ew. We’d rather live off-grid.

MrCollins:
@LizzyB Since accepting my friend request on Facebook, Lady Oprah de Bourgh has condescended to write on my wall as often as once a year in ... (read more via Twitlonger)

MrCollins:
@LizzyB My reasons for marrying are, 1st, that I think it a proper, nay logical, step in developing my ministwee, 2 that it would please my ... (read more via Twitlonger)

MrCollins:
@LizzyB Which brings me to my choice of you as the particular object of my heart’s desire. Your lowly station, situated as you are with 5 si ... (read more via Twitlonger)

LizzyB:
@MrCollins You flatter me greatly with this proposal, but allow me to say AS IF!

MrsB:
@LizzyB @MrCollins LIZZY! NO!!!!! However will I blog when your father is dead and in his grave?

[Friend or Follow: Enter your username: LizzieB
Lizzie B is following MrsB but MrsB no longer follows LizzyB]

MrsB:
Oh, I have such a headache. And no one in this house cares one bit for my suffering. Please let there be new comments on my last post.

[Email from Twitter to CharlotteL: MrCollins is now following you on Twitter. You may follow MrCollins by clicking the Follow button on their profile.]

MrCollins:
Lady Oprah de Bourgh has made it clear that I should make a prudent match as is most befitting a clergyman of my standing and circumstances ... (read more via Twitlonger)

CharlotteL:
@MrCollins I’m all ears. Let’s take it to email, for you are too great a man to be confined by 140 chars.

MrCollins:
@CharlotteL: Oh my dearest heart…

…

MrCollins:
I simply cannot wait to disclose to Lady Oprah de Bourgh knowledge of my recent matrimonial joy with Miss C Lucas who has graciously accepte ... (read more via Twitlonger)

LizzyB:
@CharlotteL: Engaged to Mr. Collins! My dear Charlotte—impossible!

CharlotteL:
@LizzyB I am not romantic. I never was. I ask only for a comfortable home.

CharlotteL:
@LizzyB you will tweet to me, won't you? I don't think I could bear going if you didn't tweet to me.

LizzyB:
@CharlotteL Of course. I’ll even visit you on Facebook but promise me I won’t have to read Mr Collins’ blog.

Darcy:
@Bingley: I think it’s time we both quit Twitter for a while and went back to blogging. These tweeple are beneath us.

Bingley:
@Darcy But, but... Oh if you insist. You are the most capital fellow I have ever met, after all. #Iamapatsy

Wickham:
I just joined a twibe: LittleLadyLovers

JaneB:
@LizzyB Bingley has left Twitter. I must summon the fortitude to overcome this.

LizzyB:
@JaneB I'm sure he loves you still. Why don’t you get a blogger account so you can keep in touch? Our aunt & uncle will let you guest post.

JaneB:
You may be right, @Lizzy. I will comment as demurely as I am able to.

Darcy:
DM to @LizzyB
In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire & love you.

[series of DMs between LizzyB and Darcy]

LizzyB:
WTF?

LizzyB:
Can you deny that you made Bingley quit Twitter thus destroying my sister’s chance for happiness?

Darcy:
I cannot. I even deleted all her comments on his blog so he wouldn’t know she was reading. Marry me anyway?

LizzyB:
And don’t even get me started on your offenses to poor Wickham.

Darcy:
Wickham? Oh yes, poor downtrodden Wickham. #eyeroll

LizzyB:
Gah! You are so haughty!

Darcy:
And you are such a hotty.

LizzyB:
Ugh. You are the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed upon to marry. kaithksbye

[Msg to LizzyB from Twitter: Are you sure you want to block Darcy? BLOCK]

EMAIL FROM DARCY TO LIZZYB:
You have blocked me on Twitter which leaves me no other recourse than to email you an honest account of my dealings with Mr Wickham. In short, he is a pedi-perv who tried to bone my sister when she was but 15. He had hoped to marry her for her fortune, but I stopped him. So there.

[Msg fwd to JaneB from LizzyB]

LizzyB:
@JaneB Oh shit. Have I ever made a mistake. Darcy = good. Wickham = bad.

JaneB:
@Lizzy: Whaaa? Wickham’s a pedi-perv? Let’s not tell anyone, ‘kay?

LizzyB:
@JaneB: Pinky promise.

JaneB:
@LizzyB: Pinky promise.

LydiaB:
Mrs Foster has invited me to Brighton to flirt with the Red Coats. SQUEEEEE!!!!

LydiaB:
@Wickham I do hope I will c u there. DM me to let me know if you can cum.

LizzyB:
Am taking a social networking webinar paid for by my Aunt & Uncle. Hope to learn lots.

LizzyB:
@JaneB Get this! We have to review Darcy’s blog. He has the most beautiful template I’ve ever seen.

LizzyB:
@JaneB Holy crap! He just tracked my IP through site meter. AM MORTIFIED!!!

LizzyB:
@JaneB But for some strange reason, he friended me on FB instead of getting mad. Colour me confused.

LizzyB:
@JaneB And now both he AND his sister have left kind messages on my wall. He even liked my status. I am all wonder.

JaneB:
DM to @LizzyB
Lydia has eloped with Wickham. She is ruined. Log off the computer and come downstairs at once.

LizzyB:
[Unblock Darcy]
DM to @Darcy
My sister's run off with Wickham. She has 20 followers. He has no reason to marry her. We are ruined & it's all my fault for not outing him.

Darcy:
I will be offline for the foreseeable future. #fb

LizzyB:
@JaneB We ARE ruined. @Darcy has made it clear that he’d rather give up the Internet than share it with me. #sigh

MaryBsAphorisms:
Loss of virtue in a female is irretrievable. A woman's reputation is no less brittle than it is beautiful.

[Email from Twitter to MaryBsAphorisms: Sexxygrl232 is now following you on Twitter. You may follow Sexxygrl232 by clicking the Follow button on their profile.]

MaryBsAphorisms:
I just scored another follower. Yesss!!

LydiaB:
@MrsB You will laugh mother, when you know what I have done. I have married...Wickham!

Mrs B:
@LydiaB Married? You are indeed married? Oh my dear girl. Post to follow. Pls RT

LydiaB:
@LizzyB The wedding was small but lovely. If only Darcy hadn’t been there.

LizzyB:
@LydiaB Whaaaaaa?

LydiaB:
@LizzieB Oh crap. I wasn’t supposed to tell.

Darcy:
I’m back. Did anybody miss me? #fb

Bingley:
So happy to be back! Twitter is the most capital place I’ve ever known! Thanks for giving me the go-ahead to come back, @Darcy.

Bingley:
@JaneB Waves

JaneB:
@Bingley Demure grin

Bingley:
@JaneB Marry me?

JaneB:
@Bingley In a heartbeat. Most demure grin EVER.

Lady Oprah de Bourgh:
@LizzyB I heard a twumer that you plan to marry @Darcy. He is too popular a Tweep for you. You’ll bring us all down. I FORBID it.

LizzieB:
@Oprah Helloooo! Since when are tweeps celebrity sheep? ... Fine. Point taken, but screw you anyway. #herebeforeoprah

Darcy:
@LizzyB You got guts girl, pissing off @Oprah like that. I admire your spunk.

LizzieB:
@Darcy I must thank you for your kindness to my poor sister. Buying out that open source asshat of a husband must have cost you a fortune.

Darcy:
@LizzieB: I did it all for you. Please tell me you no longer think I’m a twit.

LizzieB:
@Darcy: Oh never a twit. I once thought you were a twat but all is forgotten.

Darcy:
@LizzyB My feelings and intentions have not changed. One tweet from you will silence me forever.

LizzieB:
@Darcy I heart you. Truly.

Darcy:
@LizzieB YAY! I’ll tweet your father to ask for your hand.

LizzieB:
@Darcy: Oh you’ll never find him on twitter. Being married to a social-networking mommy blogger keeps his nose in the books.

Darcy:
@LizzyB: Fine. I’ll take this off line. Care to join me?

LizzieB:
I am yours: virtually AND corporally.

TheRealJaneAusten:
'Night Tweeps.

___________________________________________________
Thanks to:
Jane Austen and Andrew Davies (screenwriter for the 1995 BBC miniseries)
@cribchronicles @maryLUE and @threeandholding: my consultants on all things twitty
Painted Maypole for laying down the challenge in the Monday Mission (2 days late, sorry)

Assive welcome here

I have this niece and she's the cutest little thing you ever did see--big brown eyes, curly black hair, a puppy dog's heart and a bright, warm smile that would melt the heart of Jack Frost in Winter. She's two-and-a-half years old and you have never met a more lovable toddler. Her name is Carrie Ann.

The only trouble is, Carrie Ann isn't two and a half anymore. She somehow grew up while I was getting old and now she's 26. She teaches elementary school on contract in one of the toughest neighbourhoods in Canada. She loves the arts, plays ball hockey and longs to make the world a smidgen better by her own hands. She's smart and goofy all rolled into one. I'd be lying outright if I said I'd never heard a cuss word cross her lips; and yet, she still calls me Auntie Susie in this sweet little girl voice that can't help but melt my heart. It's no wonder I still carry a big piece of her toddler self in my mind's eye.

Last Friday night, Carrie called to tell me she's pregnant. The pregnancy was unplanned and was definitely unexpected from a medical standpoint. Carrie has always wanted children even if she wasn't sure she'd be able to have them. Sure, there will be financial issues and housing issues and all the other kinds of difficulties that come from having a child before either partner has permanent (or even steady) employment, but she has a long-term, loving partner and an extended family that is financially and emotionally ready to help them along through the first tough year.

What I'd like to do with your help is pass along some advice to Carrie and her partner. I'm looking for the meaty kind of advice that never gets doled out on Baby Center and iVillage message boards. Our comment compendium will have the added bonus of containing far less beeyotch slapping and absolutely no acronyms. So how about it BTDT Moms? I'll start the ball rolling and we can all continue in the comments section.

Mad's Mad Assvice For the Expectant Mother

1. The ratio of time that most healthy pregnant women spend worrying about labour & delivery vs worrying about having a small human being permanently entrusted to their care is approx. 95% to 5%. Try to reverse this ratio.

2. Avoid the What to Expect Books. Reach for Sheila Kitzinger instead.

3. You can and should draft a birth plan and have your Obstetrician sign it. Remember, though, that it will most likely be ignored completely by the healthcare profession. Drafting it will ensure that you, your partner and your families are all on the same page when it comes to lobbying for your needs. And, maybe, if there is a rare solar eclipse on a blue moon, you'll give birth according to plan. (You have decided on an OB and not a Midwife, right? If the latter, then yay! you have options that weren't available to me and I can offer no advice whatsoever.)

4. For the first few weeks of a child's life, breastfeeding requires that at least two adults be present for every feed. All three parties involved will cry. It's better to know this and prepare for this than to be taken out at the knees by it.

5. There will be one issue (at least) that will break your spirit (at least). Practice self-acceptance and self-forgiveness well in advance. I cannot say this one loud enough. It's ok. It's not your fault. You are doing a fine job. If you need help, ask for it. If help is offered, accept it.

6. Find a mother's group or two, corporeal and/or virtual. Spend a couple of hours a week together for that first year because no one else in your life will remember the ready answers to questions like "how do I treat cradle cap?" or "What is Ovol?" or, hell, I don't even remember any of the 1,000 little questions that I knew were vitally important way back when.

7. Nothing will prepare you for the love you will feel for your child. You may not, however, feel this love on the first day or even in the first week your child is born. Do not beat yourself up about it because it is not uncommon for mothers to take a little while to grasp all that has happened to them. The love will come and it will be bigger than anything you have ever experienced.

8. Matt, when your babe is a month old, please read this. Ron, you do the same.

9. Carrie, watch closely when your Mom and your Aunts hold your babe. They have mad skillz. I can't tell you how much Nan changed my life in those first few weeks. I sometimes still do the bob and weave just for nostalgia's sake.

10. As much as possible, don't listen to the fear mongering pre- and post-natal. It will just make you feel small, and it will leave you no better prepared to deal with anything that may or may not go wrong along the way.

So, wise readers, what say you?